With Valentine’s Day around the corner, I was recently asked if I could be set up (a blog post for another day)
and it got me to thinking about how others view me and my single status.
You don’t get to be 35 and single without many awkward, but well-meaning conversations with the people who love you. Often times, there is the insinuation or flat out declaration that “you’re just too picky.” Sometimes the “helpful” advice takes other directions, can be misunderstood and critical, but honestly, the picky one bothers me the most.
As I’ve mentioned in the past, I feel like the blogosphere doesn’t cater as much to the single crowd, or really to the friends and family of the single crowd. Perhaps you have a loved one who is in my same boat and I’d like to share why I think “you’re just too picky” isn’t all that helpful!
- Telling me I’m too picky makes me feel like you don’t think I deserve the man of my dreams.
- Telling me I’m too picky and that I should “give him another try” tells me you don’t think I’m capable of knowing my gut instincts.
- Telling me I’m too picky tells me you don’t value my opinion.
- Telling me I’m too picky tells me you don’t believe the right guy is out there.
- Telling me I’m too picky makes me feel like you think I should settle because my life alone isn’t as good as being with someone I only marginally like.
Ya, these are crazy bold statements…I realize that. But I also want to be emphatically clear that your well-meaning, loving heart can also unintentionally hurt those you care about.
I feel like I’ve gotten to a really good place with my closest friends and family and that the comments after a failed date or ended relationship are less hurtful and more positive (“that’s too bad, but it sounds like you’ve learned a lot!”). We rarely traipse into the “you’re too picky” conversations of the past. But let me assure you, sometimes in my most vulnerable of places, I remember those conversations and then question myself (“maybe it IS my fault that I’m still single”).
But then I snap out of it.
Ultimately, here’s why I believe that not settling and being just the right amount of picky is quite alright and a-okay:
As a strong-willed, intelligent, successful, tall, not size 2, outgoing, capable, and independent woman, I still inherently desire to feel feminine. A man who I can walk all over, a man who is smaller statured than me (yes, I can feel your eyes rolling), a man who can’t challenge me intellectually or emotionally, a man who doesn’t have a strong drive, a man who prefers me to make all of the decisions, doesn’t typically make me feel very ladylike, womanly, or feminine. I want to feel protected, I want to feel captivating, and I want to feel treasured. And I believe I deserve these things…
I’m not looking for George Clooney…I’m looking for a feeling.
So don’t tell me I’m just too picky because I WISH that were just the case. Something tells me if that’s all I was, it would be a lot easier to find my Mr. Right.
Love this post! Thank you for confirming what I feel to be true for myself as well!
Thanks, Michelle! Stay strong and have fun as you search for your Mr. Right!!!
AMEN SISTAh!
AHHH thank you ! That was a fantastic, truthful, and “That’s exactly how I FEEL!” post!! We do deserve the man of our dreams. We NEVER should settle. The right guy IS out there (well at least I TRY to tell myself that all the time!). It’s hard sometimes when you’re surrounded by people that are “happy” because they’re not single. I’m happy because I’m not in a relationship JUST BECAUSE at my age (27), it’s expected that you SHOULD be in a relationship and you SHOULD be engaged and you SHOULD be married. Not sure why our society is like this but this post was great and made me realize that I’m SOOO not alone! Thanks! Cheers to us finding our dream men whether that be tomorrow or 10 years! We deserve that!
Let’s not worry about the “shoulds” and instead focus on enjoying life!
That’ll preach! You’ve nailed it. I refuse to settle just for the sake of getting married. Our Mr. Rights are out there- they’re just taking their sweet time. I hope people will remember this next time they’re talking to the single friends in their life.
Thanks for the support and encouragement. Yes, our guys are out there…and feel it in my bones! : )
you’re not too picky! i hope i have never told you that…i dont believe i have…mostly because i believe it is everyone’s right to be picky when choosing the man you will spend the rest of your life with…in fact – most women’s problems are that they aren’t picky enough! they settle…you value yourself too much to settle…and well you should! you are an amazing catch! and by the way – have i told you how hot you are? smokin!
You haven’t…and thanks, cousin. Love ya!
where were you when i was in my early 20′s and got the same things said to me! if only i had been able to articulate then what I wanted and needed perhaps I wouldn’t have wasted so much time with” mr. okay for right now”!!
i think its excellent that you know what you want and won’t settle for less and see no reason why you should or would. I waited for years to get married and was told all kinds of crazy things because I wasn’t a “spring chicken anymore”. No one should settle be they 25, 35 or 65!!
when the timing is right…..you will find him and until then, have fun and enjoy life!!
You know, it’s interesting…in some ways, I’m happier as a single 35 year old than I was as a single 25 year old because through the last 10 years, I’ve learned that exact lesson! It’s amazing what a little time and perspective gives you!!!
This is a great post…and I am married! It is so interesting how once you enter that certain marriage age that so many people put pressure on you. Everyone has their own opinion how YOU should live when they don’t even really know you or your situation. I am 27 and I have a lot of girlfriends around my age who are single and it is hard on them. It is hard to see their peers get married and start a family and people’s comments make them feel like something is wrong. I did not date much before meeting my husband and for a girl in her 20s and not dating, I felt like there was something wrong with me! I wondered many of those same things…but when I met the right guy it just happened. It was meant to be. It wasn’t because I had some secret marriage potion that got me what I wanted. We all have different stories and when the time is right {and the guy is right} it will happen.
I find it also very interesting how you mentioned the impact of being part of the blog community as well. Many bloggers are moms and wives! I started blogging before I was married and I remember feeling a little left out not being in the wife category or the mom category…it made me feel really young and out of place.
All this to say, I find your thoughts inspiring and riveting. I know many single girlfriends who would be cheering this post on along with me! Thanks for sharing!
just wanted to remind you that i think you are adorable. and you do deserve YOUR mr. right. i’ve been married for four years and dated my now husband for YEARS on and off…but i remember being single like it was yesterday. it is hard to meet quality people. let alone a quality person that you are also attracted to. never settle. happy valentines day doll! and thanks for sharing.
xoxo, jenn
the stylish housewife
You are definitely not too picky. I heard that over and over. I was “too tough”, “too picky”, “too strict with my boundaries” (excuse me, for not letting some dick who I gave NO indication to stick his tongue down my throat …uhmm,yeah).
You know, I did the “getting married to the wrong person” thing. I was young, I was in love and in hindsight there were red flags jumping all over this thing from the first few weeks of dating. But I was too young, too inexperienced, too in love, too broken in some ways, to understand.
And then I got divorced at 30 and started dating and would hear this type of “help”. I am happy I stuck to my guns. I really really am. I met my partner when I was 34 and a half -ish…and damn, I always said that I was wading through the pool of dating, there better be someone amazing waiting for me at some point. And there was. I didn’t have to compromise, I didn’t have to settle. I met a great man who gets me the way I am, who wants me just like this, who doesn’t care that I don’t cook and that I can be sloppy, who things I am hilarious even when I am not, who loves my dogs even though they are completely neurotic and dysfunctional and so on and so forth. Obviously this goes both ways, since I am also fabulous, sexy and smart and amazing (minus cooking skillsz)
Congratulations! Very nice post!!!! It’s like being myself!!!