My ultra conservative mom used to drive carpool for my sister and her friend after school.

In telling story after story of the horrors of middle school, the friend overused the phrase “bite me” a little too much and finally one day, my mom had had enough.

She explained the phrase was not ladylike and was filled with dirty innuendo. Apparently, the friend looked confused, but agreed to stop saying it.

The next day, the friend hopped into the car and excitedly told my mom that she did not say “bite me” to anyone at school that day. My mom told her she was so proud and that it was clear she was making more ladylike choices, until…

the friend told her she said “eat me” instead.

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In 7th grade history class, I sneezed one day and a little toot came out along with it.

I went home “sick” from school.

Still to this day, I feel like that was the right choice…because really, it was either that or to leave no survivors.

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And speaking of 7th grade, I finally complained so much about not being able to see the chalkboard that my mom broke down and took me to see an optometrist one day.

She and my dad have perfect vision and thought I just wanted glasses to be cool. (REALLY?)

Turns out, I’m almost legally blind in one eye.

I can’t even tell you how vindicated I felt that day when the doc shamed my mother into getting me some bitchin black frames.

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My sister used to turn all of her dolls heads around at night so they wouldn’t watch her sleep.

I used to cut all the hair off my barbie dolls and I really enjoyed pulling off their legs to hear the “pop.”

Looking back, I’m thinking we both might be a little strange.

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One time at the spa, I took a deep break, dropped my robe, and walked naked into the jacuzzi.

About a hot second later, I heard “Jenny???”

Turns out a childhood friend was in the same jacuzzi with her entire family and they just saw me and all my jumblies walk by.

I was embarrassed, but when I told the story to my mom later, she was mortified and just about rolled onto the floor in the fetal position.

I don’t look THAT bad in my birthday suit!!!

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When we got our first VCR, we rented Top Gun and had a bunch of my parents’ friends over from church.

Naturally, they fast forwarded the bedroom scene with the really cool wired remote.

What they couldn’t fast forward through were the lines they didn’t know where coming or what my reaction would be…

Sorta like when I asked loudly, “mom, what’s a hard on?”

Her response was something like “we’ll talk about it later, honey.”

FYI – WE’VE NEVER TALKED ABOUT IT…AND I HAVEN’T FORGOTTEN.