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I COULD GIVE A TRACHEOTOMY WITH BALLPOINT PEN IF I HAD TO

09/17/2012 by JJ
Ever since the days of ER, I’ve been a huge fan of medical dramas on tv. George Clooney, you complete me.

I’ve never been truly squeamish, but let’s be clear, I’m fully aware that the fictionalization of medical procedures  that occur through the magic of tv are nothing like the real deal. With that said, I’d probably hurl out the contents of my stomach (mostly meat and wine) if I ever were to see a real life surgery…because let’s face it, guts are grody.

This weekend, while in a large group of friends, there was talking and laughing and laughing and talking galore. At one point, in the middle of a story, my friend Allison took a bite of a snack and then began to laugh. In a flash, her hard laughter turned into choking.* 

She made the international symbol and began to hit the coffee table in alarm.

There was a split second of confusion, followed by fear. 

In the snap of a finger, a million thoughts went through my head. But before I knew it, I freaking elbowed another friend out of the way and leapt over the couch. 

I grabbed Allison’s arm in an attempt to yank her up.

I was totally prepared to give her the heimlich…or if worse came to worst, it seriously crossed my mind that I could give her a tracheotomy with a ballpoint pen.

NEVERMIND the fact that I have no idea how to give the heimlich and I sure as hell have no surgical training…I just saw it on ER once or twice. 

Fortunately, Allison stopped choking on her own before I had time to reenact any of my favorite episodes…and I’m very glad. But I still maintain that I could have saved her life if I had to.

*I may or may not have been responsible for making her choke. Whoopsie!

blahs filed under Story Telling

Comments

  1. Kelly Sauer says:
    09/17/2012 at 11:38 am

    THAT. Was one of the craziest moments. Ever.

    Reply
  2. Kelly Sauer says:
    09/17/2012 at 11:38 am

    Glad you were there, Jen.

    Reply
  3. HopefulLeigh says:
    09/17/2012 at 3:04 pm

    I am CPR certified. I was ready to be your assistant, as needed.

    I did find myself chewing my food especially carefully whenever I sat near you for the rest of the weekend. Just in case. ;)

    Reply
  4. Andrea says:
    09/17/2012 at 3:25 pm

    As an avid E.R. fan, I’m pretty sure I could intubate someone. ;)

    Reply
  5. Kelly @ Love Well says:
    09/17/2012 at 3:31 pm

    At least you’re responsible enough to help the people you are killing.

    Actually, I think that might have been an ER episode.

    Or was that just MIsery?

    Reply
  6. LoraLynn says:
    09/17/2012 at 4:34 pm

    You would have been brilliant at it. George would have been swept off his feet in an instant by your ball point pen skillz.

    Reply
  7. Megan (FriedOkra) says:
    09/17/2012 at 4:38 pm

    And you thought you might not be funny! Anyone with your sense of humor needs to know how to do the Heimlich! :)

    Reply
  8. Allison O of O My Family says:
    09/18/2012 at 7:18 am

    In the same way that we were like ‘Naw, we can totally leave Jen solo at the airport to get the car and come meet us at this hotel in a state she’s never been to’, I would definitely be confident that my life would be safe in your hands. (I’m also thankful for my enclosed esophagus this morning.)

    Reply
  9. Arianne says:
    09/19/2012 at 3:49 pm

    “…it seriously crossed my mind that I could give her a tracheotomy with a ballpoint pen.”

    It totally would’ve crossed mine too. Because we are just that resourceful.

    Reply
  10. Heather says:
    09/20/2012 at 5:14 am

    As someone who loves medical dramas as well and frequents the hospital I’m always offended that Patrick Dempsey isn’t my doc, especially since he’s from my home state. I also feel like wandering the halls and finding those empty rooms where all the residents are making out. This was hiliarious. Thanks for sharing.

    Reply
  11. Joy @ Joy in this Journey says:
    09/20/2012 at 3:53 pm

    I think I’m glad I missed this little episode. Sounds traumatizing. But you were ready! Go girl!

    Reply

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