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I Can't Sit Still

I don't know about you, but sometimes I get so excited about something new that I want to do ALL THE THINGS and do them RIGHT NOW! But I'm also in a season where I realize that slowing down and taking a breather is a good thing. It's Spring and the sun is shining here in Southern California...I need to remind myself to soak it in and experience renewal rather than just relish in the rush of daily life.

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10 YEARS

Ten years ago this month, I signed myriad papers and was given a couple of keys, just like that. I was a young woman woman with a big responsibility. I was excited about owning my own condo, as small as it was; this was where I’d start “real life” and make plans for the rest of my adulthood.

But the plan was to live here for a couple of years. This was my launching pad; I’d only be here for 3 to 5 before trading up.

And yet…ten years have gone by. I’ve not traded up. I’m still the same single girl.

I should be looking back with pride, and trust me…I absolutely am. I still LOVE my home and the changes I’ve made over the last ten years are things to be proud of…this, I know. But I also look back with a gaping hole in my heart.

I should have moved out of here long ago. I should be living in a family home by now with at least one or two kids. There should be an indentation on the pillow next to mine each morning. I shouldn’t have to lug bags to the dumpster alone at the end of a party. I should have help straightening up when things get messy. I should have additional bedrooms with little mini night lights glowing as I walk by before heading to bed each night.

And these ten years suddenly feel much longer…and lonelier. And I forget to be proud when I live in the land of the shoulds.

But here’s the thing about the land of shoulds…they only perpetuate more sadness.

Rather than celebrating my achievements, success, or improvements, I dwell on the things I don’t have.

And I forget to be grateful…which is the opposite of what I want to be.

Because I am SO THANKFUL for the roof over my head…for the parents who helped me with the down payment…for the friends who encouraged me…for the friend who served as my mortgage officer…for the friends who helped me settle in…for the friends and family who have spent time here making my house a home…and for the Lord who chose this home just for me.

Comments

  1. This is beautiful, JJ.
    Thank you for being vulnerable, with all of us.

    All my love, friend.

  2. Be loud and proud about it. I understand it is hard to be thankful for things when there is a big part of your life you THINK is missing. But that’s just it, you think. God has big plans for you my friend.

  3. I also have a case of the “shoulds” lately, and I think the holidays highlight that sometimes. Thanks for an honest post about wanting more while celebrating where you are.

  4. Melissa Page says:

    Dear J.J., I can relate. I was 39 and not where I wanted to be in life so I rushed into marriage with a man I did not love, had a child at 40 and guess what, am now a single mom. LIfe is much, much harder than when I was single but I am so blessed to have my son! I am so glad that even though you experience lonliness, you have not “settled”. Please keep doing what you are doing and things will happen like they are supposed to, just my opinion. :-)

  5. I could soak up your perspective any day of the week, friend. Here’s to all you’ve achieved thus far and all the adventure that lies ahead!

  6. I have been reading your site for awhile and I just had to comment. Thank you for this. I am in the same boat. The line you wrote about the night lights just about sent me over the edge. But thank you for reminding me to be grateful. Despite what I feel is “missing” I do have a wonderful life. Bless you.

    • I constantly need to remind myself to be grateful. It’s absolutely the spirit I long to have, but sometimes it’s hard to remember in the midst of the “shoulds.” Hope your holidays are special and that you are blessed with your heart’s desires!

  7. So proud of you, JJ. So so proud. And I love you.

  8. this made my heart ache. literally. And yet, at the same time, I found myself wanting to shout, “YOU GO, GIRL!” Because look at you: you own your own home. You are successful at everything you do, you have a circle of friends most people would envy. Once again, it’s learning to live on the rail – between the hard and the wonderful, the loss and the gain, the goodness and the emptiness. YOU are doing such a great job at this. But still – I am praying for your heart’s desire to happen sooner rather than later. Thanks for your vulnerability in this space – truly lovely.

  9. Katie says:

    In response to your header about what to wear NYE… The Rack has some super cute sparkle tops right now!! I got one :)

  10. Thank you for a very honest post. Something not everyone would be happy to admit in a blog. But good for you to count your blessings and focus on the positive!

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